Three components of effective communication

Have you ever been in a conversation where it was really evident that the person or people you  were talking to are just not listening? 

I learned something really valuable some time ago about effective communication and trust which has given me good perspective in so many instances where I was talking to someone / a team and it was clearly evident that while they were in the conversation, they really weren't "IN" the conversation.

What I learned was that for effective communication to take place, i.e. for someone to truly listen and taking your words to heart, three things have to be in place;  trust, respect and benefit.
If any of these things are lacking the conversation is of no value. 

Trust means that everyone involved in the conversation knows that they are valued as people and are in a safe environment to engage without any pretence and fear of rejection.

Respect means that everyone involved knows that their contribution is valued and they value the contribution of the person speaking and there is a mutual understanding of roles, past experiences and responsibilities and any other outside factors which might be relevant.

Benefit means that the conversation has a personal benefit to those engaged, i.e. they will get something out of it, be it learning something or just being more informed.

Having this awareness has enabled me to save so much time by detecting unproductive conversations early.   As a leader it has also enabled me to detect a break in trust in teams or people in the organisation in order to get involved and restore trust.

A special thanks and credit to Paul Donders from xPand International as well as Dr. Cobus Pienaar from Arbinger South Africa. 

"Familiarity breeds contempt"

You've probably heard the proverb "familiarity breeds contempt",  especially when in the presence of  people from an older generation.   The dictionary describes this in more detail as "extensive knowledge of or close association with someone or something leads to a loss of respect for them or it."

I remember the first time I learned about this phrase.  I was a young 19 year old recruit in the South African Air Force and was just starting with my officer's course shortly after basic military training.  The major conducting the specific lesson taught us that officers should no become "familiar" with the soldiers they were in charge off.   Doing so could lead to all sorts of problems including life-threatening situations where a soldier might disobey a direct command because he / she were too familiar with the officer in charge.

We've all seen war movies where this situation plays out, and I believe this holds true for any leadership position where a difficult decision can lead to disastrous consequences if familiarity has gone too far, ultimately leading to a break in trust.  We've all had the boss / team leader who we became friends with and then one day were called in, only to be told that we did something wrong....we took it personally and the landslide of broken trust started.

This is a complex topic to navigate as businesses today become increasingly more social in their leadership and management styles because of an evolved younger and more knowledgeable generation.

I saw this play out in an organisation where the culture of the day was to work really hard during the day on projects but then socialise around a round of drinks on regular occasions with the management team.  When things started going wrong it was hard to have the tough conversations which resulted in the "bottom line" taking a massive hit as issues weren't being discussed in open robust conversations.  The end of it was a complete dismantling of the senior management team and people leaving the organisation.

Now don't get me wrong, I think it's good to socialise, as it promotes a healthy working culture, but be sure that there is a culture of respect and open communication.  More importantly, as a leader, be watchful of the pitfall of familiarity and set clear boundaries.  Not just for those who report to you, but also for yourself.

In light of this I believe three are crucial to ensure that businesses grow and continue to be successful in this new age and economy:

1. Leaders are identified and trained to develop their emotional intelligence 
2. Sufficient investment is made in educating personnel w.r.t. the social aspects of their work, promoting a healthy work culture
3. Effective communication frameworks are built into the the business processes of organisations, facilitating effective and productive conversations